You look like something I drew with my left hand.

33 shares on Instagram this month:

Nobody defends billionaires better than dudes making $50,000 a year.

44 shares on Facebook this month:

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

36 shares on Discord this month:

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

86 shares on Telegram this month:

There needs to be a separate grocery store for people who actually know what they’re doing.

41 shares on WhatsApp this month:

“I’m interested in the divorce rate for couples who sleep in queen versus king beds.”

22 shares on Snapchat this month:

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

74 shares on Threads this month:

Nobody knows my next move. Not even me.

58 shares on Slack this month:

I forgot to get milk, so Santa has a cup of Pepsi Max.

45 shares on Messenger this month:

Everybody looks sexier when they are happy.

83 shares on Messenger this month:

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it.