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Sawing a hole in a table from underneath to steal a cake is a lot harder than cartoons would have you believe.

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A blind guy felt my face and said, “Wonderful.”

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Old age is like a glorious, extended long weekend, but you always know Monday’s coming.

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Half of Twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math.

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I’m not good with plants or people, but I am good with books and buffets.

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Your twenties are for working towards a life you later won’t want.

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Sometimes you choose the GIF-war over your responsibilities.

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Things I hate about group work: The group.

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Have come to the devastating realization that I am an over-nodder on video calls.

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Of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centers around them being eaten.