ASAP can also mean as slow as possible.

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If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

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They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

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The concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. Here’s our little murder doodler.

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Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked, whilst trying to find new people to see you naked.

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Man, these end times are taking forever.

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No offense, fellas, we love compliments, but a compliment from another woman means just a little bit more.

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Are you telling me these billionaires don’t have my best interests at heart?!