Call me constipated the way I don’t give a shit.

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Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

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Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

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The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

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I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no.

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You ever killed your own vibe by remembering?

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Not sure what’s longer: a microwave minute or watching a video while someone else is holding the phone, insisting it’s hilarious.

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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with, “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”