90 funny shit quotes - Wordgag

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

May 22, 2026

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they can’t understand.

May 22, 2026

I want to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand.

May 22, 2026

Actually, this email could’ve been a meeting. We could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. Someone could’ve brought bagels.

May 22, 2026

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

May 22, 2026

Why is incognito mode always associated with freaky shit? I use it to search up very obvious questions, so there’s no record of me looking dumb.

May 22, 2026

People who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything.

May 22, 2026

Stop normalizing things, we’ll run out of the weird shit.

May 22, 2026

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit.

May 22, 2026

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

May 22, 2026

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

May 22, 2026

“Your sock has a hole in it!” Yeah, no shit, that’s how I get my foot in there.

May 22, 2026

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor.

May 21, 2026

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it. Every. Single. Time.

May 21, 2026

Old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something.

May 21, 2026May 21, 2026

There are three certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late.

May 21, 2026

I love saying “sounds good” at work, and no shit be sounding good.

May 21, 2026

Stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “I think it’s so brave that you’re here”.

May 21, 2026

I’ve realized that some people don’t like me, but I’ve also realized that I don’t give a shit.

May 21, 2026

Some people post such depressing love shit that I start to miss their exes myself!

May 21, 2026

Ho, ho, holy shit is Christmas stressful.

May 21, 2026

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

May 21, 2026

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

May 20, 2026

Does anyone know if there’s a career in being a piece of shit?

May 20, 2026

If I were a bird, you’d be the first person I’d shit on.

May 20, 2026

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it. Everything about it is shit.

May 20, 2026

I want to make fun of Kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.

May 20, 2026

People think I forgot the shit they said. Ain’t no expiration date on disrespect.

May 19, 2026

I’m about to start telling people, “As long as that makes sense to you,” when they say shit that doesn’t make sense to me.

May 19, 2026

My favorite part of my workday is when I grab my shit and leave.

May 19, 2026

Customers will say shit like, “Uhh, it’s asking me to remove my card?”

May 19, 2026

Adulthood – a never-ending story of shit you have to do.

May 19, 2026

I want a girlfriend so she can make me do shit like pottery, and I act like I don’t want to go.

May 19, 2026

An alcoholic morning show host becoming Secretary of War is some Kurt Vonnegut shit.

May 19, 2026

Sometimes you need to turn the music up louder and sort your shit out.

May 19, 2026

Not a gold digger, but the other night a woman told me her grandpa owns a Christmas tree farm. That shit had me rubbing my hands like a fly.

May 19, 2026

Call me constipated the way I don’t give a shit.

May 19, 2026

Shit posting is cheaper than therapy.

May 19, 2026

When I’m not posting or returning messages, just know that I’m probably out doing superhero shit.

May 19, 2026

I used to judge cat owners for giving in to their pets’ whims too easily, but holy shit, these animals are relentless and would starve themselves to organ failure just because one time, weeks ago, they had a taste of some ‘better’ food.

May 19, 2026