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If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar, you can make three more granola bars.

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I’m buysexual, you buy me food, I become sexual.

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The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

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Killing me softly with his schlong.

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Eating spaghetti to forgetti my regretti.

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My favorite part of adulting is borrowing money from myself and paying myself back.

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An orgasm before bed is natureโ€™s strongest sleep aid.

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Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week.

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Netflix shouldโ€™ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD.

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Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

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Dating a smart man, so I actually can turn my brain off when he is around.

Dating a smart man, so I actually can turn my brain off when he is around.

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When he's around, my brain's on vacation mode! ๐Ÿ–๏ธ๐Ÿง ๐Ÿ˜œ



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