Don’t let the fact that I’m deeply unserious distract you from the fact that you’re in the presence of a genius.

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The worst thing is finding out the “sweet guy” is just a lustful loser.

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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

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You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

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I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get your kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”

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When I was a kid, they played lame music for middle-aged people in the supermarket, but this morning at Whole Foods, it’s now all amazing bangers from my youth.

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The tragedy of my life is that I theoretically know when I shouldn’t say anything. And then I hear myself talking.

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I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.