Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it can make you hotter than your enemies.

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Icarus loved hot wings.

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I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

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Grape soda doesn’t taste at all like grapes, but it does taste like purple, and I don’t know how to explain that.

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He was only called Mr. Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

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I’m neither a lover nor a fighter. I’m a snacker.

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Feeling melancholy. Think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse.

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The goth urge to live in a haunted Victorian estate and be feared by the townspeople.

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Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

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Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself.