Fleetwood Mac said that I could go my own way, your honor.

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Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car.

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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

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I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast.

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Had calamari for the first time ever, and it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’ll try marriage next.

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My friends have canceled our dinner plans two nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

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Carefully choosing which wine to pair with a McRib.

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Welcome to your 40’s: it’s ten years of people saying “wait until you’re 50”.

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If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

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Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors.

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My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”