I have a brain that wants to be alone, and a heart that wants to be loved.

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Major cheat code in life: ask for the big, unreasonable thing. The universe meets you at your level of audacity.

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Everyone’s a gangster until their doorbell rings.

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If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.

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That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and land on the floor.

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Note: Press the button on the elevator as often as possible to activate the secret express function and speed up the thing.

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Life is just a vicious cycle of needing to go to the grocery store.

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Your fingers have fingertips, but your toes don’t have toetips. Yet, you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.