I have this rare skin disease called perfect.

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The only traditional costume people around me wear is sweatpants.

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If you’re feeling lonely, start a small business. Then you’ll have a little company.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has downloaded:

Hear me out, a Q-Tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away.

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I’m thinking stuff like “yeah” and also stuff like “yup.”

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I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and all I find is ingredients.

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You know you’re really stressed when you start getting on your own nerves.

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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party. It was a twerk-place injury.

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I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

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How long does it take for an apple to turn brown after you cut it? Never mind.

Someone from 🇹🇲 has downloaded:

Kid, I have jeans older than you.