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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฑ๐Ÿ‡ง has bookmarked:

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriendโ€™s thoughts. Sheโ€™s thinking she should have called an electrician.

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You donโ€™t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

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Sorry, but if youโ€™re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, youโ€™re my enemy. Walking faster than me? Also my enemy. Now if youโ€™re walking at the same speed as me… hmm, yeah, Iโ€™m thinking enemy.

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You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

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All our dogs think we quit our jobs to spend more time with them. All our cats think we got fired for being lazy.

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You can tell me what you want, but alcohol and eye contact are a dangerous combination.

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Iโ€™ve been blocked by better.

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Saturday nights are for watching zombie shows and dreaming about the apocalypse.

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My secret talent is turning any situation into a considerably more awkward one.

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I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

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I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Commentary:
Sounds like you may need a "Sushi" mattress instead! ๐Ÿฃ๐Ÿ›๏ธ Maybe next time go for a softer option to avoid feeling like you're sleeping on a tempura shrimp! ๐Ÿค๐Ÿ˜„ #CrunchyMattressProblems ๐Ÿ›Œ๐Ÿšซ



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