If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

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You tell people you’re not trying to drink and they act like you just turned down 100k.

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Imagine a refund on all the money you spent on alcohol.

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When I put on weight, it’s around my stomach. When I lose weight, it’s around my legs. I’m not a structural engineer, but that can’t be good.

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Turns out strange women lying in ponds distributing swords was a better basis for a system of government actually.

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In Russia, the cold complains about you.

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Autocorrect is like a tiny person inside your phone that sometimes gets drunk and says the dumbest things.

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Sometimes nature makes art, like trees, waterfalls, and the human butt.

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Men be like, “But I’m different.” Yeah, a different type of disappointment.

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Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond.

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I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s.