If we were both crows, I’d bring you shiny things.

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I really want to be nice, but annoying people just won’t let me.

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I hope I find $10,000 on the floor later.

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The only reason I haven’t gone crazy yet is because I’m just too lazy.

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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

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Losing and then immediately gaining weight is my superpower.

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Saturday nights are for watching zombie shows and dreaming about the apocalypse.

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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep, not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

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Due to unfortunate circumstances, things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious.

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“This too shall pass!” Okay, but like, when exactly?

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Can’t. Typing a password into a TV.