Just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some math problem.

72 shares on Instagram this month:

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

91 shares on Messenger this month:

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan.

65 shares on Threads this month:

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings, and I said, “Isn’t face-to-face better?”

29 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I always tell my kids that it’s okay to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

65 shares on Reddit this month:

I’m super lazy today. It’s like normal lazy but I’m wearing a cape.

16 shares on Instagram this month:

Going to IKEA if anyone needs some meatballs.

52 shares on YouTube this month:

I love being single because how could I explain a 2 p.m. – 5 p.m. nap on a Saturday.

45 shares on WhatsApp this month:

“So if I had kids, my kids would never…” Spoiler: Yes, they would.

21 shares on Telegram this month:

“I asked ChatGPT.” “I asked Grok.” I asked God to strike me dead with lightning.

53 shares on YouTube this month:

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.