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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇧 has viewed:

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has downloaded:

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Someone from 🇲🇾 has shared:

My cat smells like cigarettes again and I’m sick of his excuses.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has downloaded:

Never signed up for a 401k cause there’s no way in hell I can run that far.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has shared:

We’ve got a shituation here.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has viewed:

I haven’t lost my virginity because I never lose.

Someone from 🇹🇼 has downloaded:

Gonna go walk the beach and stare annoyingly at couples. May even growl as I pass by.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has viewed:

If you like water, you already like 72% of me.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has bookmarked:

Packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has downloaded:

Somehow I picked the worst possible decade to try to have a career.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Feb 3, 2026

3,666

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via LinkedIn:

I’ve been so stressed about getting my shit together that I haven’t gotten any of my shit together.

Spotted on WeChat:

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

Shared recently on Threads:

Becoming a psychic for the foreseeable future.

Spotted on Telegram:

Making her wear those remote-controlled vibrating panties in public so I can inform her when I’m tired and want to leave the party.

Making waves on Twitch:

I have no desire to rekindle anything with anyone. See you never.

Spotted on Instagram:

I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just very close.

Freshly posted on TikTok:

Ever been in the car with someone who drives so fast that you press your imaginary brakes on the passenger side?

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

You ever get surprised by your own recurring issues? Like, come on man, I thought we were past this.

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

If a baby comes out feet first, technically it wears its mom as a hat.

Shared recently on YouTube:

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

Nobody stresses a woman out more than a man who isn’t her man yet.

3 weeks ago

Witty quote highlighting relationship frustrations with playful, humorous tone.

Download image ↓

Commentary:
💁‍♀️🤔 "Nobody knows how to turn a woman into a walking stress ball better than a man in the 'not quite there yet' zone. It's like juggling stress balls while blindfolded and hoping for a perfect landing! 😅 #AlmostThereButNotQuite"

dating, expectations, humor, man, nobody, relationship, stress, woman

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

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Social Media Stars ⭐

81 shares on Twitch this month:

Microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie.

93 shares on Pinterest this month:

Shit posting is cheaper than therapy.

58 shares on Instagram this month:

There are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all, and none of them work at your company.

36 shares on Discord this month:

My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

96 shares on Instagram this month:

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”.

23 shares on Slack this month:

Hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names.

15 shares on Discord this month:

I have no issue with people talking in the morning. But not with me, please!

62 shares on X this month:

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

10 shares on Reddit this month:

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living, but it’s too late to ask.

44 shares on Telegram this month:

Please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. I’m fine!

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

13 folks are currently checking 👀

Everyone’s gangster until they need to pee.

24 folks are currently checking 👀

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

18 folks are currently checking 👀

Men absolutely love buying the same shirt in four almost identical colors and saying, ‘Yep, that’ll do me for the next three years.’

20 folks are currently checking 👀

I was born a boy, but according to the packaging, I identify as a family of four.

8 folks are currently checking 👀

I like that they put all that stuff outside for you to look at when you’re on a walk.

10 folks are currently checking 👀

Dear diary, I have to lock in tomorrow, fix everything, and do everything.

6 folks are currently checking 👀

I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.

18 folks are currently checking 👀

Pouring Diet Coke directly into my gunshot wound.

9 folks are currently checking 👀

It’s true that I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, but for my return trip, I rented a camel named Carl.

12 folks are currently checking 👀

You’ll pay good money to hear a comedian say something offensive, but when I say it for free, I’m the bad guy.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,321

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇷 has copied:

Should we all just give up and get really into drugs? Wait, this is literally what happened in the 60s. That just clicked for me.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has bookmarked:

One or the other, Lord – I can’t be broke and heartbroken.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has viewed:

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roommate and tell him I’m coming over, so he’ll clean the apartment.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has downloaded:

My mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has shared:

It’s important to fuel your body with essential nutrients, which can be found in cookies, chips, and candy.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has bookmarked:

I’m tired of being an adult. Therefore, I will be stepping down. Thank you!

Someone from 🇲🇨 has shared:

Girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has viewed:

Do animals have celebrities? Like, do birds all recognize that one bird who sings really well?

Someone from 🇹🇱 has bookmarked:

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has downloaded:

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Twitch:

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum.

Just shared via Reddit:

Making a cult with only intuitive introverts so we can all sit in silence, side-eyeing each other suspiciously.

Spreading quickly via WeChat:

‘Blinded by the Light’ is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

I’m in my thirties, but I still feel like I am in my twenties; then I hang out with people in their twenties, and I’m like nope, definitely in my thirties.

Going viral on Threads:

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

Breaking via Discord:

Women will be like “I know a spot,” and then take you directly to hell.

Spreading quickly via Discord:

I was 21 when I was 15, that’s why everything’s boring now.

Just shared via WeChat:

Somebody somewhere today don’t know it’s their last day with all 10 fingers.

Just shared via LinkedIn:

“We should get tickets” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

Going viral on Telegram:

My rock bottom keeps refreshing.

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