Porn actresses envy the look on my face when I clean my ear with a cotton bud.

Porn actresses envy the look on my face when I clean my ear with a cotton bud.

Commentary:
“Move over, Hollywood glamour! I bring the ultimate ear-cleaning drama to the table 😂💁‍♂️ Who needs red carpets when you’ve got cotton buds, am I right?”

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  • Every time I talk, it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak.

    Commentary:
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    Commentary:
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  • Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

    Commentary:
    “Living life like an Olympic sprinter: carb-ing up, sprinting hard, then gracefully bowing out for a well-deserved nap 😂🍝💤 #LifeGoals”

  • Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say “I know it’s hard, but you’ll be okay. Here’s a coffee and a million dollars.”

    Commentary:
    “If only all problems could be solved with a hug, coffee, and a million dollars! Who needs therapy when you’ve got caffeine and cash, right? Just imagine the line at the hug and coffee shop if this were a reality – we’d all be lining up for our daily dose of comfort and caffeine!”

  • Don’t talk to me while my earphones are in, man, I’m at a concert.

    Commentary:
    “Sorry, can’t hear your unsolicited advice over the sick beats in my ears! 🎧🎸 Talk to me after the concert, when my tolerance for chit-chat is back from vacation!”

  • I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the sun, the responsible celestial body sticking to its schedule like clockwork ⏰☀️. And then there’s the moon, living its best chaotic neutral life 🌙🤷‍♂️. Balance in the universe, right?”