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Remember, for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries.

Remember, for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries.

Commentary:
Looks like Santa's workshop is powered by magic and cookies, not batteries! 🎅🍪 Don't worry, folks, your toys may not come with batteries, but they do come with an extra sprinkle of holiday cheer! 🎁🎄 #PoweredByChristmasMagic



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I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado.

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Sailors wish they could swear like me.

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How about hold me as tight as you’re holding onto that grudge?

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Are you http? Because I’m :// without you.

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I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.

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Okay, that’s enough todaying for today.

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Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why.

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You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.