Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit “send.

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Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone.

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Normalize throwing lamps at people who need to lighten up.

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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

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Bought a pair of night vision goggles so that I can easily find the fridge at night without waking my wife.

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Good friends don’t let their friends do stupid things alone.

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I love your niche references! Are you typically ignored in large groups, by any chance?

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Humans are the only species that would cut down trees, make paper out of them, and then write “Save the Trees” on it.

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I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

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Being excited to get in bed really is a different level of adulting.

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I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.