Salt is just angry sugar.

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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

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Having a bathroom switch outside a bathroom and a sibling is a bad combination.

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Trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating.

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I get you, bowel syndrome. I’m irritable, too.

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Being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it.

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Listen to the birds, not the news.

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I know it’s true because the people on the internet said so.

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I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting.

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I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

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Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.