Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

56 shares on Snapchat this month:

Every time I talk, it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak.

89 shares on Telegram this month:

Rent really don’t make no sense. Like, why is my apartment getting a raise every year? Who is doing the performance review?

61 shares on Messenger this month:

The difference between us is that people can peck you and I’m impeccable.

71 shares on WhatsApp this month:

How is this the same brain that used to remember everybody’s phone numbers?

99 shares on Pinterest this month:

Being an adult is spending every day looking at a pill bottle, wondering, “Did I take this already?”

82 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Depression is embarrassing because sometimes it makes you miss appointments and not return phone calls, and when the fog starts to lift, you gotta do a whole bloody apology tour.

100 shares on Facebook this month:

If you’re riding a bike in New York City, it means you care about your health. Riding one in Tennessee means you got a DUI.

60 shares on Pinterest this month:

When I’m not posting or returning messages, just know that I’m probably out doing superhero shit.

67 shares on TikTok this month:

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

49 shares on Pinterest this month:

I see posts like, “If food is too expensive, just grow your own.” Okay, Einstein, why didn’t I think of that?