Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction.

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I am “any text received after 9pm will be answered at 6am” years old.

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Just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do.

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Dear Aliens, Now would be a good time. Thanks!

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Now that I got a library card, I’m moving differently.

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Automatic doors that don’t open fast enough make me look dumb.

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Bottle of Worcestershire sauce tipped over in my fridge. The mess is unpronounceable.

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I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life.

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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

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Adulting is when you realize that all you need is a home, stable income and a peaceful partner.