The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

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Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

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Sometimes I do random acts of kindness, like keeping my mouth shut, for example.

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You are not obligated to post a video of yourself dancing.

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Accidentally made eye contact with the sweets at the grocery store and now have to declare bankruptcy.

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So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”, replying with “well, I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response.

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Awesome that January is over, but rude that our reward for getting through it is February.

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I’m not even a 2nd choice, I’m like an 8th choice, sometimes a 10th.

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If there was an award for staying at home, I’d win and then send someone else to pick it up for me.

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Hey bro, please stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river.

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I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.