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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇲🇨 has bookmarked:

When I die, I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has shared:

I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has shared:

If I have to look at any more spreadsheets today, you’re gonna have to spread my ashes.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has shared:

I’m pretty sure I fall under the percentage of people who’ve eaten the sticker on the apple.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has shared:

I’m just going to be hotter. It’s easier than being nicer.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has bookmarked:

It’s okay to admit you want my lips on yours.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has viewed:

Job-hopping is a funny concept, like ‘Hey, I’m gonna go hate my life over there instead.’

Someone from 🇦🇫 has copied:

The Velvet Underground probably wouldn’t have been so influential if I was at their shows with a giant magnet and pulled their guitars out of their hands.

Someone from 🇧🇦 has shared:

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has downloaded:

The world would be a much nicer place if we just turn off the news.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,691

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on Threads:

Eating cookies left for Santa because the cowboy was a no show.

Going viral on Snapchat:

My toxic trait is thinking every inconvenience is the universe personally attacking me.

Just landed via Discord:

This world is extremely kind to men, so I am not.

Breaking via Threads:

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travelers, are you dumb?

Making waves on WeChat:

The ways printers are like kids: Need feeding, are noisy and can’t function when offline.

Making waves on Messenger:

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

There’s a cougar warning in my neighborhood, but apparently it’s just a big cat. I bought a case of wine coolers for nothing.

Going viral on Twitch:

I feel like a wildlife photographer when I spend hours trying to capture my teenager’s smile.

Just landed via Snapchat:

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted.

There are drug-sniffing dogs, guide dogs, dogs that save lives. And then there’s my dog, who hits the lead when he poops.

3 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Playful quote highlighting a dog's funny priorities over heroic roles.

Download image ↓

Commentary:
"From heroic K-9s to… poop-strategist extraordinaire! 🐶💩 Let's just say, every dog has its own 'special talent'! 😄 #PoopPrecision"

behavior, dog, dogs, drug-sniffing, drug-sniffing dog, guide, guide dog, humor, life, pet, pet behavior, pets, poop, save

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Social Media Stars ⭐

67 shares on Pinterest this month:

I’ve been closer to death than a stable relationship.

36 shares on TikTok this month:

Girls these days are like a box of chocolates. Some have nuts.

57 shares on Pinterest this month:

My age is news to me every single time I remember.

49 shares on Reddit this month:

Went to the gym two days in a row. This is a fitness account now.

62 shares on Threads this month:

Water bottle leaking in your bag is a top 10 worst experience.

26 shares on Facebook this month:

My body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on X.

70 shares on WhatsApp this month:

All strapless bras need to be taken off the shelves. A total recall. We do not have the technology yet.

53 shares on Instagram this month:

I have browser tabs open that are older than you.

78 shares on LinkedIn this month:

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

55 shares on Reddit this month:

It-is-what-it-is-ing my way through the collapse of civilization.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇪🇬 has copied:

My favorite part of Spring is its rolls.

Someone from 🇩🇯 has viewed:

Y’all ever postpone an outfit? Like, nah, let me save this for a better day? Same.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has downloaded:

Who wants to do all my adult stuff for me today?

Someone from 🇮🇹 has bookmarked:

Declined stepping on the scale at the doctor’s office because no one needs that kind of negativity in her life.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has copied:

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has downloaded:

Group projects taught me how to do everything alone and trust no one.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has bookmarked:

Men don’t chew on toothpicks all day anymore.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has downloaded:

My body’s check engine light has been on for years.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has copied:

No, you don’t understand. This is my special mistake. I keep making it because it is very dear to me, like an old friend.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has downloaded:

Only thing I hate more than a liar is a liar that thinks I’m stupid.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Messenger:

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

Spotted on X:

Microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Behind every beautiful woman is either tummy issues, low iron, or poor eyesight.

Seen just now on YouTube:

Getting old would be so fun if you didn’t wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat.

Going viral on Pinterest:

Did we do it, did we save the daylight?

Spotted on Telegram:

Grown men asking Grok if this is real.

Just landed via Discord:

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

Making waves on Pinterest:

Oh, you’re extending your sale? Your Black Friday sale that ended on Tuesday? You’re extending it?

Just landed via Discord:

Some say the world will end in fire. Others say in ice. Coming up next, our expert panel breaks down the arguments for each side…

Freshly posted on Messenger:

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

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Activity Log ✨

There are drug-sniffing dogs, guide dogs, dogs that save lives. And then there’s my dog, who hits the lead when he poops.

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Thursday.

80 years from now, this comment section will be full of dead people. Write anything you want.

If I were God, I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

All of my passwords are protected by short-term memory loss.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

There are drug-sniffing dogs, guide dogs, dogs that save lives. And then there’s my dog, who hits the lead when he poops.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Thursday.

80 years from now, this comment section will be full of dead people. Write anything you want.

If I were God, I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

When the doorbell rings, I always go to the door with my jacket on. Depending on who it is, I either just want to leave or have just come home.

All of my passwords are protected by short-term memory loss.

Carrying a pizza in public feels like you’re showing off.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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