Today, I changed a light bulb and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

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I like to live life dangerously by occasionally sticking my foot out over the edge of the bed at night.

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Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

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Sometimes somebody will share something from way back in my timeline, and I’ll think, “Oh God, what all did they see to get there?”

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Just did several sets of some bullshit at the gym… no idea which muscles have been targeted.

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I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

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Why does the phone ring longer when you’re ignoring the call?

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My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can’t sleep.

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I wanna be a villain so I can just saunter everywhere. The heroes are always sprinting, always running. You ever seen Darth Vader run? Hell no. And I ain’t about to either.

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I am in favor of equal pay for men on OnlyFans.

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My favorite machine at the gym is the one where you put change in, and snacks come out.