Top Funny Quotes of the Day

🌟 Check out the trending quotes of the day! 🌟
Get ready to laugh out loud with today’s trending funny quotes collection. From witty one-liners to laugh-worthy observations about life, these gems are here to brighten your day. 🎉😂

Check them out below and share the joy with your friends! 💬✨

My thighs are bigger than my chances in life.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
I’m doing well at accomplishing nothing today and I’m very proud of myself.
Eating fast food shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough.
Best friends: they know how crazy you are but still choose to be seen in public with you.
If you have children, you can experience all human emotions before 9 a.m. on Sundays.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I bought a little notebook to keep track of who’s above the law.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?
Forget Spotify Wrapped. How many minutes did you spend listening to your girlfriend this year?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about.
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain, and most do.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
Gonna break into your house, toast all your bread and put it back in the bag.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinny-dipping for me.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
How do I un-know people?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are, I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on X.
“Don’t let me keep you!” Translation: Please go.
The fun thing about Airbnb is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation.
Jingle all the way? In this economy?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly food.
I have now learned the moonwalk. It’s visually the coolest way to get fresh dog poop off the soles of your shoes.
Bro, you’re not allowed anymore to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Took a good look at my finances. I won’t make that mistake again.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor.
Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you? So yeah, enjoy your fish sandwich.
All my passwords are protected, by my poor memory.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
A piece of chocolate contains just enough energy to take another one.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this, I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Tattoo idea for men: spider webs in the corners of the receding hairline.
I’d like to shrink you down and add you to my keychain.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
I think that police officers on foot should wear blue flashing sneakers.