You try to fart in the toilet in the morning without waking the whole house and thanks to the brilliant acoustics of the toilet bowl, the horn of Gondor sounds.

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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires. So, I grounded him. He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

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Unfortunately, I have the paper towel habit of a much wealthier woman.

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If I go missing and you put my weight on that poster, I swear I’m not coming back.

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People who read and do research will always sound crazy to people who don’t.

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I’m bringing back “holy moly” and nobody can stop me.

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If dogs ever learn to talk, I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

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Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime.

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I wish anxiety came with french fries.

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If someone asks why you’re so pale, simply reply, completely shocked, “You can see me?”

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Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot.