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I ordered mushrooms on my pizza. When do they kick in?

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I could never journal, I’d start lying in there too.

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I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

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I need to stop living by the words “life is short.” It’s hurting my bank account.

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I love when someone is telling a story and you can tell even from their version that theyโ€™re the villain.

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I need to consult the woods about this.

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Sugar held my hand through every breakup.

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If the interviewer doesnโ€™t think itโ€™s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasnโ€™t good enough for you anyways.

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Yeah, I have a drinking problem. Itโ€™s called dehydration.

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Sneaking up behind people and marrying them.

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You try to fart in the toilet in the morning without waking the whole house and thanks to the brilliant acoustics of the toilet bowl, the horn of Gondor sounds.

You try to fart in the toilet in the morning without waking the whole house and thanks to the brilliant acoustics of the toilet bowl, the horn of Gondor sounds.

Commentary:
"Trying to stealthily release a morning toot in the toilet is like pulling off a secret mission ๐Ÿ•ต๏ธโ€โ™‚๏ธ, only to have the toilet amplify your efforts into a grand symphony fit for Middle-earth ๐ŸŽบ๐Ÿšฝ #HornOfGondor"



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