A lobotomy and a forehead kiss would fix everything.

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For introverts, the worst kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store.

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Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.

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Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day.

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Every time the universe sends me a sign, I’m like, okay, but I think I’ll wait for a signier sign.

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I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble.

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Why would I work from home when I don’t even work from work?

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Grape soda doesn’t taste at all like grapes, but it does taste like purple, and I don’t know how to explain that.