At 20, I was unstoppable; at 30, I’m just unstartable.

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Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

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One downside of marrying a doctor is you have to give up eating apples.

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Let’s drink some whiskey and say too much.

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I need an app that deletes my number from other people’s phones.

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The shower is the only one who gets turned on when I’m naked.

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I start off my mornings with coffee and low expectations.

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I forgot my password, failed the captcha and have been accused of being a robot. I don’t even know how to fight these allegations.

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Sign at the zoo says “don’t stick your hand in the alligator cage”. Thanks, but I’ll do my own research.

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Adulting is when you realize that all you need is a home, stable income and a peaceful partner.

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They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.