I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has downloaded:

How do you politely tell someone that they ruined your life?

Someone from 🇲🇦 has bookmarked:

Can you turn your swag off for one second and listen?

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That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has downloaded:

Just got some minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

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People always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. Whenever I do that, my Uber driver yells at me.

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People drive you insane and then say “see, I told you that you’re insane.”

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Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control.

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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

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Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

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When I turned into the harbor of marriage, I didn’t know that a warship was anchored there.