I saved a ton of money on a security system by stealing my neighbor’s.

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I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

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My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

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That awkward moment, when all eyes are on the bride, but your son is the groom.

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I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

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Can I come over and figure you out?

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Living in your parent’s house is free because you pay with your soul.

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I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

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You ask a girl if she ate, and she gon say, “Yeah, I had my coffee.”