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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇸🇻 has viewed:

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has viewed:

I am not old. I am in the prime of my decay.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has bookmarked:

Don’t you hate it when you offer help and the other person says yes?

Someone from 🇱🇰 has shared:

Opening up is like talking to a cop: anything you say can and will be used against you.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has copied:

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

Someone from 🇨🇺 has downloaded:

He was only called Mr. Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has copied:

Can I be 20 again? I know what to do this time.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has viewed:

That little stroll to the coffee maker makes me happy every morning.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has bookmarked:

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has downloaded:

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

729 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,891

Funny Quotes Topics

13,867

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10,891

Updated

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Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Facebook:

I call my period Shark week. I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

People should be allowed to leave work early if they want to go see a movie.

Going viral on WeChat:

I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

Spotted on YouTube:

Please don’t send me mixed signals, I don’t even understand the clear ones.

Reported on X:

My favorite part of Spring is its rolls.

Just shared via Facebook:

I’m not talking to my husband and I don’t think he even knows it.

Seen just now on Instagram:

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

Seen just now on Slack:

When a woman texts you three questions, you should only answer one. She will love that.

Spreading quickly via Telegram:

I be like, “Who’s praying on my downfall?” as if I don’t make self-destructive life decisions.

Trending via Twitch:

Randomly hearing your favorite song is more satisfying than putting it on yourself.

I wish I was a moose. No work, no school, just eating grass and wrecking cars.

5 months ago

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Commentary:
If only we could live the carefree moose life 🦌🌿 Watch out for those cars, they never see us coming 😉🚗 #MooseGoals

cars, eating, freedom, grass, humor, i, just, moose, school, wish, work, wrecking

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇦🇸 has downloaded:

They should invent something in between coffee and narcotics.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has shared:

Girl math is ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has bookmarked:

JFK is the perfect name for this airport because it’s a bloody headache.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has copied:

Hey, you wanna come to a wedding with me? You could be the groom.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has copied:

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has viewed:

Sometimes I sneeze so loud and hard I think I’m a dad.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has shared:

Autocorrect has become our worst enema.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has shared:

Some hoodies don’t hoodie the way other hoodies hoodie.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has bookmarked:

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has bookmarked:

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew my buddy kept a diary.

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on Twitch:

Some people are wise, some folks are otherwise.

Making waves on Threads:

And then there are those dates after which you think: “Have I really shaved my legs for this?”

Freshly posted on X:

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Reported on TikTok:

Every time I watch “The Godfather”, I notice some new detail (they’re Italian???).

Just shared via Messenger:

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

Broadcasted on Slack:

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the holiday traffic I said I’d avoid even though I did nothing to avoid it.

Making waves on Twitch:

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

Making waves on Instagram:

I wish my life could have a stats screen but for things I care about. Like how many English Muffins with peanut butter I’ve eaten.

Broadcasted on Pinterest:

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Just shared via WeChat:

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

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Activity Log ✨

I wish I was a moose. No work, no school, just eating grass and wrecking cars.

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

Children really brighten up a home. They never turn the lights off, …

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Have you fallen in love with me yet, or do I need to post more nonsense?

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Don’t be ashamed to fart while you urinate, cause there is no rain without thunder.

I may be ugly, but I used to be uglier.

Maybe aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Did you ever stop to ask how Mercury feels about being in retrograde? No, because you only think about yourself.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like, “No, I’m not helping.”

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when hot men are around.

Growing up, I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup, but here we are.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

There are people on TV who are not ruined by fame, but who ruin fame.

So far, no one has seriously tried to bribe me, which is a shame because I am extremely corrupt. Maybe I need a position with more power.

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

Sorry I was late, I was frantically applying to other jobs.

I feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now.

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I wish I was a moose. No work, no school, just eating grass and wrecking cars.

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