If we’ve got the technology to make heated car seats, then where the hell are the seats that automatically cool down in the summer? Make it happen, nerds.

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Accidentally said “normal” when they asked what milk I wanted at the leftist cafe.

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Just because I’m friendly doesn’t mean I like you. It just means that I’m not rude.

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My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

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If you compliment me, my glasses fog up.

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Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

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Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults. Write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong.

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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.