I’m so single, I have no one to drunk text.

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My mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party, and that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

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Dancing alone in your home is its own kind of therapy.

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Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.

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Women’s skincare is so confusing. Am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty, or matte like cement?

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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

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I start each day assuming it will be horrible and go from there.

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

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Thinking of starting a club for people who don’t like to leave their house. There are no meetings.

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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

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When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.