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Updated: May 19, 2026

 

 

 

 

59 Funny drunk quotes

Funny drunk quotes 🍻 have a way of capturing those hilarious, wine-fueled moments we can’t help but laugh about the next day πŸ˜‚. Whether it’s slurred wisdom or epic fails, these quotes bring out the comedic side of our tipsy adventures πŸ₯΄. Perfect for sharing with friends or reliving those memorable nights, they’re sure to keep the laughter flowing as freely as the drinks πŸ₯‚. Cheers to the funnier side of life! πŸŽ‰

Sober in a taxi: Please. Stop talking to me. Drunk in a taxi: … And that, Mick, is why I’m emotionally unavailable, I suppose.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Drunk me promising you anything is the equivalent of a politician giving their manifesto … it’s not gonna happen.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Just remembered I can just get drunk after work instead of quitting. That was a close one.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Morning me just stripped the bedding. Evening me is going to be pissed.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

This football season, we need to bring back getting drunk and calling in to your team’s local radio show after the game. Such a lost art.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

I be like, β€œI needed this,” and it’s just me getting drunk.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

I’m okay with being single. But at night, while I’m drunk, that’s too much.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

Always the drunk texter, never the drunk textee.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

Being single only sucks when you’re a little drunk and really want to flirt.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

That thing they say about getting drunk with the love of your life in a walkable city is no joke. It hits like crack.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

If someone drunk texts you, appreciate it. They’ve thought of you when they can barely think straight.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

If alcohol was the one that was banned instead of weed, then a lot of people would have had memories of hungry, stoned fathers instead of angry, drunk ones.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

What would you do if you were in my situation right now? The situation being that I’m drunk.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

If I was on Love Island, I would get wasted and drown in the pool, altering the course of every contestant’s life forever.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

Rescuing a cute dog and teaching it how to drive me home from the pub.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

Have I made bad decisions when I was drunk? Sure. But have the sober ones been any better? Not really.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Wine drunk doesn’t even make itself known. You’re just relaxed, and then, all of a sudden, you feel sexier.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Everyone wants a drunk text until I’m doing it at noon.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Just drafted the drunk text I’m going to send after one drink this weekend.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

What I learned from Covid is that it’s basically possible to do all your work from home while drunk.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

You know you’re over 40 when you clean your house to the music you used to get drunk to.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

I’m not drunk enough for this Teams meeting.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Some things are better left unsaid, but people get drunk and say them anyway.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

We go together like Drunk and Disorderly.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

Autocorrect is like a tiny person inside your phone that sometimes gets drunk and says the dumbest things.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

One thing about me is I don’t even need to get drunk to act a fool.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

Sorry for what I said when I was drunk. I meant every word.

Posted onMar 27, 2026

Can drunk people actually not control their actions or is it just an excuse to do some crazy stuff?

Posted onMar 27, 2026

How can you not appreciate a drunk text? Someone is absolutely off their face and still thinking of you.

Posted onMar 27, 2026

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

Posted onMar 27, 2026

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Posted onMar 27, 2026

Got too drunk in the Vietnamese restaurant last night, they said I can never go back. They banh mi.

Posted onMar 26, 2026Mar 26, 2026

My yoga instructor was drunk today. Put me in a very awkward position.

Posted onMar 26, 2026

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.

Posted onMar 26, 2026

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