Please don’t match my crazy. One of us has to be rational here, and it’s definitely not going to be me.

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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head.

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I don’t need a fancy watch to tell me I’m not fit one bit.

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The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

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What pushes you to watch 19 seasons of people in a hospital?

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I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

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People who think naps are a waste of time obviously don’t understand how naps work.

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Do you think birds, once they get older, start people-watching?