115 funny us quotes - Wordgag

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD.

May 24, 2026

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

May 23, 2026

Elections make you feel like we’re all in divorce court waiting to see who gets custody of us.

May 23, 2026

Lord, they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price.

May 23, 2026

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads.

May 23, 2026

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

May 23, 2026

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

May 23, 2026

Can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

May 23, 2026

We went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish.

May 23, 2026

Aubrey Plaza is like an alien who went to earth to study us but accidentally got famous and can’t leave.

May 23, 2026

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

May 23, 2026

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers, he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

May 23, 2026

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time. Wanna hang out?

May 23, 2026

What makes us human is selecting all images with traffic lights.

May 23, 2026

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control.

May 23, 2026

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

May 23, 2026

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

May 23, 2026

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

May 23, 2026

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check social media, because if he does, all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

May 23, 2026

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel.

May 23, 2026

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month.

May 23, 2026

Give us this day our daily internet validation.

May 22, 2026

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

May 22, 2026

Unpopular opinion: The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

May 22, 2026

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

May 22, 2026

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes.

May 21, 2026

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

May 21, 2026

My friends put their kid to bed and then made us ice cream sundaes, which is exactly what I assumed was happening when my parents put me to bed.

May 20, 2026

Men call us “gold diggers” when we expect them to pay for a meal. Honey, a gold digger goes after yachts, not a piece of chicken.

May 19, 2026

Girls … I understood why they advise us to get married and have kids before 25. Because after that, our brain starts working, and the decision won’t seem so reasonable anymore.

May 19, 2026

Maybe if we paid our streaming services even more, they could stop jacking up the volume on the commercials they make us watch, even though we are paying for the service.

May 19, 2026

Missionary, so we can discuss how 15 min can save us 15% or more on car insurance.

May 19, 2026

Still hard to believe that access to infinite information made us dumber.

May 19, 2026

Extroverts love our energy. That’s why they suck it out of us.

May 19, 2026

It’s always “your monthly bill is available,” never “this month is on us.”

May 19, 2026

I don’t get why banks tie pens with strings. We trust them with money, but they can’t trust us with a single pen.

May 19, 2026

Marriage is just asking each other, “What do you want to do for dinner?” and then replying, “No, not that,” until death do us part.

May 19, 2026

I don’t think I’d get married again, but I would like to annoy someone until one of us is dead.

May 19, 2026

Maybe Monday is more scared of us than we are of it… we don’t know.

May 19, 2026

Yeah, the planet is dying. The government hates us. The animals are leaving. The aliens aren’t contacting us. We might be alone. It just might be you and me.

May 19, 2026