115 funny us quotes - Wordgag

Marriage is just asking each other, “What do you want to do for dinner?” and then replying, “No, not that,” until death do us part.

May 30, 2026

I don’t think I’d get married again, but I would like to annoy someone until one of us is dead.

May 30, 2026

Maybe Monday is more scared of us than we are of it… we don’t know.

May 30, 2026

Yeah, the planet is dying. The government hates us. The animals are leaving. The aliens aren’t contacting us. We might be alone. It just might be you and me.

May 30, 2026

Please don’t match my crazy. One of us has to be rational here, and it’s definitely not going to be me.

May 30, 2026

If David Bowie taught us anything, it’s that being a little weird is better than being forgettable.

May 30, 2026

“Your boos mean nothing to me. I’ve seen what you cheer.” Is a goated doctrine. If Rick and Morty gave us anything, it gave us that.

May 30, 2026

It is so weird that every single one of us is going to die, and we are not nicer to each other.

May 30, 2026

We use our phones to watch videos that remind us of what life was like before we had phones.

May 30, 2026

They were called “TV programs” because they were literally programming us, bro.

May 30, 2026

Jane Austen gave us men who crossed fields in the rain. Mine left me on read, and liked someone else’s story.

May 30, 2026

Stop acting your age. You’re ruining it for the rest of us.

May 29, 2026

Another day of meaningless suffering. Let’s see what awaits us tomorrow.

May 29, 2026

Thoughts & prayers to all of us back at work tomorrow after the colossal mistake of thinking we’d be lads of leisure forever, for some reason.

May 29, 2026

Travelling through the US by car is beautiful because you feel like a blood cell in a very sick man’s body.

May 29, 2026

Commenting “This could be us” on her pics with her boyfriend.

May 29, 2026

The absolute hottest thing you can do in front of a woman is tame a horse, but unfortunately, modern life affords us little opportunities for that.

May 29, 2026

US etiquette question: Do you need to tip the guy at the border who reads your last five years of social media history?

May 29, 2026

Prison pen pal doesn’t want us to write each other anymore. Finds my life too depressing.

May 29, 2026

Can you imagine if AI ever evolves into trying to kill us, and the thing that saves us is one of Cloudflare’s outages?

May 29, 2026

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster… so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

May 29, 2026

The reason most of us stay up late is because we don’t want our free time to end, and tomorrow to start.

May 29, 2026

The shrooms told me that we need to get our shit together. That humanity is a bundle of bad habits. I’m headed back in a few weeks, and they need a response from us. What do I tell them?

May 28, 2026

Women only want one thing, and it’s the power to cast men who tell us to smile right into a pit of giant venomous serpents.

May 28, 2026

Hotel elevators are hell for those of us who are small-talk failures. The guy asked me, “You just get in today too?” and I said, “Well, no,” then stood in silence.

May 28, 2026

I’m old enough to remember when the hole in the ozone layer killed us all off.

May 28, 2026

Our parents are going to be shocked when they find out that most of us are serious about not getting married.

May 28, 2026

Sarah Connor would be awfully disappointed in us all, letting this Grok into our lives.

May 28, 2026

All I’m saying is that porn gives us an unrealistic expectation of how quickly the electrician shows up.

May 28, 2026

I believe that emails are trying to tell us something.

May 28, 2026

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the driver gave us a knock this morning to make sure we were OK.

May 28, 2026

Unfortunately for the both of us, I really like you.

May 28, 2026

Please stop assuming that too many em dashes mean AI written. Some of us are producing grammatically incoherent work the honest way!

May 28, 2026

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. Got some sick rhymes about Debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing.

May 28, 2026

So we have actual fact checkers who know all the facts? Why not create a TV channel where they just give us the facts? We could call it the News.

May 28, 2026

I don’t think we’ll ever see aliens. I bet that they’re just gathering information and waiting for us to destroy ourselves.

May 28, 2026

There are real people living amongst us who pay for Discord Nitro.

May 27, 2026

If cartoons have taught us anything, it’s the uselessness of little umbrellas when plummeting from a cliff.

May 27, 2026

“Why don’t you tell us anything anymore?” I’ve updated my privacy policy.

May 27, 2026

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

May 27, 2026