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If at first you don’t succeed, the internet will let you know immediately.

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Not to brag but there are so many movies out there that have watched me sleep.

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Carrying a conversation counts as cardio.

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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

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You could be having a nice day and then somebody your own age says they bought a house.

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Kids are like pancakes. The first one is always a bit strange.

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“You’re overthinking this!” Bro, I have anxiety. I have no other type of thinking available.

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Pouring Diet Coke directly into my gunshot wound.

Pouring Diet Coke directly into my gunshot wound.

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When life gives you lemons, just reach for the Diet Coke instead ๐Ÿ‹โžก๏ธ๐Ÿฅค๐Ÿ”ซ๐Ÿ˜…



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