Red Bull doesn’t give me wings, it gives me gas.

26 shares on Snapchat this month:

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere.

40 shares on Facebook this month:

Airport beer at 6 a.m.? No problem. The airport is a lawless place that is free from judgment.

47 shares on Snapchat this month:

For Valentine’s Day, I’m gift-wrapping a shirt my husband hasn’t worn in years. It’s the thought that counts—and technically, I thought of it twice.

80 shares on Twitch this month:

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

23 shares on Instagram this month:

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film.

82 shares on Slack this month:

Being an adult means your pain never goes away, it just migrates to a new location in your body.

66 shares on Reddit this month:

Turns out strange women lying in ponds distributing swords was a better basis for a system of government actually.

91 shares on Facebook this month:

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

55 shares on Instagram this month:

We can’t all be underemployed creatives. Someone in the group chat needs to know what an insurance is.

37 shares on Instagram this month:

Beginning my getting out of bed journey this morning.