Soup is great for when you’re hungry but want to still feel hungry afterward.

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I don’t need to learn something new, I need to remember something old, like why did I come into this room?

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A man’s home is his castle, but his garage is his sanctuary.

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A general rule of parenting: if you’re having a great day, the day isn’t old enough yet.

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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

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My favorite body lotion is Voltaren.

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When the Beatles say, “Come together, right now, over me,” what was that about? Why did they say that?

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Eating wings is the opposite of flying.

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I’m basically the human version of tangled up Christmas lights.

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Sorry I’m late. It’s just because of who I am as a person.

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Body by sandwich.