Stranger: Your children are angels. Me: So was the devil.

Stranger: Your children are angels. Me: So was the devil.

Commentary:
“Stranger: Your children are angels. 👼 Me: So was the devil. 😈 Who says innocence can’t be mischievous!?”

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Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • I be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb.

    Commentary:
    “Me: ‘Communication is the key.’ 🗝️

    Also me: *puts phone on do not disturb* 🤷‍♂️📵

    Well, at least I‘m consistent in avoiding communication, right? 😜 #SelectiveListener”

  • Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

    Commentary:
    “Men are truly versatile creatures, mastering the art of multitasking with a single shampoo bottle! 🧔🧴🚗 Who knew cleaning the house and looking dashing could have so much in common? 😄🧼 #ManlyGroomingSkills”

  • I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

    Commentary:
    “Age is just a number, but sometimes that number hits harder than a reality check 🧓🏽😅 Hang in there, old soul! Maybe we’re just aging like fine wine 🍷👵🏼 #YoungAtHeart”

  • I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

    Commentary:
    “Looks like those nose-cancelling headphones are doing a top-notch job… maybe a little too well! 🤷‍♂️ Trust me, you’re not the only one balancing fashion and functionality like a champ! 👓🎧 #Nosecancellingstruggles”

  • I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

    Commentary:
    Ah, the eternal struggle of deciphering our availability while being ankle-deep in work tasks 🤔⏱️ Remember folks, if you see a colleague in the wild habitat of their workstation, chances are they are not on a tropical vacation 🏝️🚫 Just a friendly reminder from your office survival guide 😉📚 #WorkLifeBlues

  • Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

    Commentary:
    “Ah, Craigslist – where you can find anything from a used couch to a potential murder scene 🪓. Who knows, maybe they’re just really good at hiding the bodies now 💀🤷‍♂️ #CraigslistMystery”