Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup.

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Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” and then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial.

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I should have peed before I left, and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

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Me (young, naive): “I hope something good happens.” Me (now): “I hope whatever bad happens is at least funny.”

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Old people be like “no elbows on the table, it’s rude” then say something racist.

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I love when my grandma texts me — because I know it took her an hour.

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If you’ve never had a cheeseburger change your mood, you’ve never had a cheeseburger.

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Everyone’s gangster until they use a pen that is satisfyingly smooth and fun to write with.

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America’s national anthem should be changed to Welcome to the Jungle.

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Deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon).

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My biggest fear is waking up and being in the Renaissance era or something. Imagine having the knowledge of hot dogs but lacking the tools to make them.