Why are those Mad Max guys always driving around, it’s not like there’s anywhere to go?

37 shares on Instagram this month:

When people suck the life out of you, they should take some fat too.

97 shares on Snapchat this month:

The ability to adjust your vocabulary based on who you’re speaking to is a valuable life skill that many people lack.

62 shares on Twitch this month:

I hate overhead lighting – trying to mimic the holy sun should be considered sinful. The lamp is much better, mimicking the hearths of our forebears.

22 shares on Snapchat this month:

I end all my sentences with “Just saying..” because ending them with “You bonehead..” would probably be considered offensive.

55 shares on Reddit this month:

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

51 shares on Messenger this month:

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

13 shares on TikTok this month:

What do you even say when someone knocks on your bathroom stall … like, what’s the protocol?

53 shares on Messenger this month:

Shoutout to myself for ruining my own life.

58 shares on Instagram this month:

Fun fact: sexual tension is more fun than the sex itself.

55 shares on Telegram this month:

There should be bloopers at the end of horror movies, so it relaxes you before bedtime.