“You live and you learn!” Bro, I don’t want to do either of those things.

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So apparently it’s still a DUI even if you’re the birthday boy.

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My idea of fun is watching something on the TV while I look at relevant Wikipedia articles on my phone.

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One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

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For once, I’d like to spiral into control.

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If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch? Each witch would watch which watch belonged to which witch’s wrist.

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Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter. Me, on fire: WHAT?

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Concert tickets should be 75% off if the artist is really super special to you.

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I wish there was a nicer way to say “my natural tendency to spot patterns is making me feel very uncomfortable about you”.

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Іf Empire Strikes Back isn’t a Christmas movie, then why is there so much snow in it?

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The more water you drink, the more bathroom breaks, the less you work. Stay hydrated.