90% of my thoughts start with: “What can I eat now?”

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Behind every funny man is a woman who rolls her eyes.

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If you see me looking zoned out, it’s because I’m having a therapy session with myself in my head.

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Unfortunately, I wasn’t built for casual dating, I’m only built for intense soul crushing love at first sight.

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Sometimes I worry that avoiding all human interaction isn’t a real hobby.

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Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

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You look like something I drew with my left hand.

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I really wish people would stop thinking they need to speak to me in the mornings.

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Remember when the FBI would threaten you at the beginning of every VHS tape? That was pretty cool.

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In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways. In my 40’s: oh.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has viewed:

I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, “I don’t even have a coconut!”