Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

41 shares on Snapchat this month:

If you ever feel like a failure, just remember, Domino’s tried to open pizza chains in Italy.

55 shares on Messenger this month:

The older I get, the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

25 shares on Instagram this month:

I’m about to start telling people, “As long as that makes sense to you,” when they say shit that doesn’t make sense to me.

63 shares on Telegram this month:

I don’t want to brag but I walked into a room and remembered why I walked in.

90 shares on LinkedIn this month:

If you order a pizza with veggies on it, you can tell people you had a salad.

50 shares on Instagram this month:

I called the cops on my own party, because I was ready to go to bed.

15 shares on Reddit this month:

Apparently, when you treat someone the same way they treat you, they get offended!

92 shares on Discord this month:

Do you say “Excuse me” to your pet when you walk by them, or are you rude?

25 shares on Instagram this month:

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count.

68 shares on Twitch this month:

None of this matters and we are all going to die. Have a great weekend!