Skip to content
  • Privacy
  • Disclaimer
  • Terms & Conditions
Wordgag

10,000+ Funny Quotes

  • ⚡ Funny Quotes Slot →
Popular Topics 🚀
mental health routine satire exercise after comfort childhood relationships stop better memory thought old wish eat nature change honesty movie myself everything office own sorry travel Christmas laziness pun self-care trying self anxiety fashion girl talk around actually here experience name thinking ID men snack misunderstanding next coffee friendship marriage used
Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 6 this month

15,831 funny quotes and pics

17,824 funny quotes topics

Updated: Jun 2, 2026

 

 

 

 

 

74 Funny witty quotes

Funny witty quotes are the perfect sprinkle of humor and cleverness that can make anyone’s day brighter 😄✨. Imagine a cocktail 🍹 of laughter and wisdom, served with a twist of irony and a dash of sarcasm. These little gems are ideal for sharing with friends or adding a cheeky caption to your selfie 📸. Dive into the world of witty one-liners and watch your mood soar 🚀!

If I were karma, I’d watch my back.

Posted onMay 30, 2026

If I go quiet, it’s because I am plotting my escape or your demise.

Posted onMay 30, 2026

I told my daughter to check her attitude, and she responded, “For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer.”

Posted onMay 29, 2026

Better to be an overthinker than an overdrinker.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

I only squeak when I’m squoken to.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

My psych professor asked if we’d heard of Pavlov. I said, “It rings a bell.” No one laughed; I’m too witty for this class.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

I’m sorry to break it to you, but you need a soul to have a soulmate.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

If you have nothing nice to say, I promise you that I’ll have something even worse to say back.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

I do not have a “body count.” I have a curious spirit.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

I must retire to my chambers about this.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

My mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Needless to say, I’m not much of a conversationalist.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

“You’re so understanding,” yeah, because I don’t want to go to prison for the rest of my life.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Can I come over and circle you like a vulture?

Posted onMay 27, 2026

During arguments with idiots, I wish I could throw a flash bang and disappear.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

When people suck the life out of you, they should take some fat too.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Just asked this girl Hannah how she spells her name, and she just said, “Two of everything, darling.” Iconic!

Posted onMay 27, 2026

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it, but they never stop talking.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here pumping gas until the dollar amount ends with 0.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking-hot body again.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Stop eating around the bush or whatever the saying is.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Boobs always win. That’s why we don’t play rock, paper, boobs.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

I might not put the sparkle in your eyes, but I’ll definitely put the “WTF” wrinkles in your forehead.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

We’ve got a shituation here.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Babe, are you OK? You’ve barely fulfilled the prophecy.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Coworker: Where are you going after work? Me: Away from you.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

I’ve got a soft heart and a savage mouth. I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

The one thing to know about me is I always get the last laugh. And oh yes, it’s maniacal.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Ugh, but profoundly.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

There’s a special place in hell for people like you (next to me).

Posted onMay 27, 2026

I need a leaf blower, but for people.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

No, I didn’t eat enough protein today, but I did think of you with enough intensity to generate new muscle tissue in my heart.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

I’m already spoiled… please don’t come into my life trying to unspoil me.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

Sorry for not keeping in touch. I literally have nothing to say.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

Watching true crime documentaries so I can learn from their mistakes.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

The reason my eyes are dilated is because I am so attracted to you, officer.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

The difference between us is that people can peck you and I’m impeccable.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

Posts navigation

Older posts

© 2026 Wordgag Inc.

>>> Random Quotes ✨