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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 56 this month

15,809 funny quotes and pics

17,807 funny quotes topics

Updated: Mar 13, 2026

 

 

 

 

74 Funny witty quotes

Funny witty quotes are the perfect sprinkle of humor and cleverness that can make anyone’s day brighter 😄✨. Imagine a cocktail 🍹 of laughter and wisdom, served with a twist of irony and a dash of sarcasm. These little gems are ideal for sharing with friends or adding a cheeky caption to your selfie 📸. Dive into the world of witty one-liners and watch your mood soar 🚀!

I told my daughter to check her attitude, and she responded, “For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer.”

Posted onFeb 3, 2026

Better to be an overthinker than an overdrinker.

Posted onFeb 3, 2026

I only squeak when I’m squoken to.

Posted onFeb 2, 2026

My psych professor asked if we’d heard of Pavlov. I said, “It rings a bell.” No one laughed; I’m too witty for this class.

Posted onFeb 2, 2026

I’m sorry to break it to you, but you need a soul to have a soulmate.

Posted onFeb 2, 2026

If you have nothing nice to say, I promise you that I’ll have something even worse to say back.

Posted onFeb 2, 2026

I do not have a “body count.” I have a curious spirit.

Posted onFeb 2, 2026

I must retire to my chambers about this.

Posted onFeb 2, 2026

I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.

Posted onFeb 2, 2026

My mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Needless to say, I’m not much of a conversationalist.

Posted onFeb 2, 2026

“You’re so understanding,” yeah, because I don’t want to go to prison for the rest of my life.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

Can I come over and circle you like a vulture?

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

During arguments with idiots, I wish I could throw a flash bang and disappear.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

When people suck the life out of you, they should take some fat too.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

Just asked this girl Hannah how she spells her name, and she just said, “Two of everything, darling.” Iconic!

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it, but they never stop talking.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here pumping gas until the dollar amount ends with 0.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking-hot body again.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

Stop eating around the bush or whatever the saying is.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

Boobs always win. That’s why we don’t play rock, paper, boobs.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

I might not put the sparkle in your eyes, but I’ll definitely put the “WTF” wrinkles in your forehead.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

We’ve got a shituation here.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

Babe, are you OK? You’ve barely fulfilled the prophecy.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

Coworker: Where are you going after work? Me: Away from you.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

I’ve got a soft heart and a savage mouth. I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

The one thing to know about me is I always get the last laugh. And oh yes, it’s maniacal.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

Ugh, but profoundly.

Posted onFeb 1, 2026

There’s a special place in hell for people like you (next to me).

Posted onJan 31, 2026

I need a leaf blower, but for people.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

No, I didn’t eat enough protein today, but I did think of you with enough intensity to generate new muscle tissue in my heart.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

I’m already spoiled… please don’t come into my life trying to unspoil me.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Sorry for not keeping in touch. I literally have nothing to say.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Watching true crime documentaries so I can learn from their mistakes.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

The reason my eyes are dilated is because I am so attracted to you, officer.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

The difference between us is that people can peck you and I’m impeccable.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Eternal Sunshine of the Thotless Grind.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Be useless, so nobody can use you.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

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