Fact: cats sit on your lap to dominate you.

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I’m blunt because the universe rolled me that way.

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Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do.

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Appliances always know when you’re getting a tax refund.

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I have a very particular set of useless skills.

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That awkward moment when you have to pretend that you like the gift.

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The urge to say “yeah, you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

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If I got a Dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.