1020 funny time quotes - Page 5 - Wordgag ツ

I hope the next time you’re stressed, it’s because you’re choosing between Japan, Bali, Switzerland, or the Maldives.

Feb 2, 2026

Make sure you bury me near a bathroom because death is long, and I’m sure I’ll still have to get up and pee.

Feb 2, 2026

I’m a simple girl, really. I just want to watch the sunset, laugh, drink coffee, and read books. I also want a time machine and a pet dragon.

Feb 2, 2026

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would have happened if you had just listened to her.

Feb 2, 2026

I’ve discovered that my visiting family members leave crumbs in the butter. Please keep me in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Feb 2, 2026

The thief who stole my iPhone could face time.

Feb 2, 2026

Let’s draft everyone who has their phone on military time first, since you’re all so eager.

Feb 2, 2026

Your woman will take 2 hours to get ready, but if you don’t have your shoes on when she is ready, you’re the problem.

Feb 2, 2026

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

Feb 2, 2026

I miss the old days back in the 70s, when I didn’t exist.

Feb 2, 2026

You cannot go outside for a year or two. Come back, and the same people still be outside in the same places.

Feb 2, 2026

You can say “Have a nice day,” no problem, but saying “Enjoy the next 24 hours” sounds vaguely threatening.

Feb 2, 2026

First time buying fireworks, and I wasn’t sure I’d picked the right ones until the salesman gave me a wink and high-foured me.

Feb 2, 2026

People shouldn’t be at the grocery store the same time as me. Get out of the way.

Feb 2, 2026

Sunday is proof that time travel exists, because it was just Friday.

Feb 2, 2026

For my next trick, I’ll watch a two-hour movie in four.

Feb 2, 2026

Oh, to live in simpler times, when there was nothing to do but sit by the seashore and contemplate the miracle of existence.

Feb 2, 2026

Maybe Rome was built in a day. I wasn’t there.

Feb 2, 2026

Delete a letter of his name from your contacts every time he makes you upset. When his name’s gone, he’s gone. Hangman that boy.

Feb 2, 2026

Cooking your own meals really is the best way to devote 50 hours of your life every month to save $50.

Feb 2, 2026

If I was on Love Island, I wouldn’t be fighting anyone or starting drama. I would just be playing mermaids in the pool the whole time. They’ve got that giant, beautiful pool, and nobody’s using it.

Feb 2, 2026

I finally used a screw from the random screw collection I’ve been accumulating for 25 years, and I’ve never felt so alive.

Feb 1, 2026

“Can you multitask?” Yes, actually I am losing my mind and chilling at the same time.

Feb 1, 2026

I think we should all try to spend more time online. It seems to be helping society.

Feb 1, 2026

I was googling the best time to visit Italy. It is when you have money.

Feb 1, 2026

Going “Omgg, that’s crazy,” every time my coworkers talk until it’s time to go home.

Feb 1, 2026

I’ve been having a rough day for about 5 years now.

Feb 1, 2026Feb 27, 2026

I hate checking my bank account after having a good time.

Feb 1, 2026

There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do absolutely nothing.

Feb 1, 2026

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15 minutes when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t.

Feb 1, 2026

Technology has really helped me waste my time efficiently.

Feb 1, 2026

I had a marvelous time ruining everything.

Feb 1, 2026

I speak for everyone when I say that finding the balance between watching movies, watching TV shows, and playing video games is harder than any job.

Feb 1, 2026

If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I’d be like, why am I always getting all this money?

Feb 1, 2026

Remember those days when you missed school and you’d check the time and think, “They’re eating right now.”

Feb 1, 2026

Solitude never hits you with unsolicited opinions.

Feb 1, 2026

There should be a three-day weekend: one day to do nothing, one day to do something, and one day to do laundry.

Feb 1, 2026

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.

Feb 1, 2026

If you’re feeling a little uneasy about the state of global geopolitics, remember to spend as much time on your phone as possible. The more information you ingest as you scroll, the calmer you will become.

Feb 1, 2026

80 years from now, this comment section will be full of dead people. Write anything you want.

Feb 1, 2026