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New funny quotes: 39 this month

15,792 funny quotes and pics

17,796 funny quotes topics

Updated: Mar 9, 2026

 

 

285 Funny today quotes

Funny today quotes are perfect for those moments when you realize that “today” is just full of unexpected hilarity! 😅📅 Whether it’s the everyday struggles that become laughable or the little surprises that make your day, these quotes remind us that each day is a chance to find humor in the chaos. Here’s to making today as funny as possible! 😂🎉⏳

I will be posting telepathically on all social media today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.

Posted onJan 20, 2026

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Posted onJan 20, 2026

Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, a practice we still continue to do today on the Internet.

Posted onJan 20, 2026

My morning routine includes 20 minutes of staring at the ceiling thinking about how tired I am and debating if I really need to live today.

Posted onJan 20, 2026

Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.

Posted onJan 20, 2026

I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m too exhausted from being so awesome yesterday.

Posted onJan 20, 2026

I don’t want to adult today, I just want to dog. I’ll be lying down on the floor in the sun, you can pet me and bring me some snacks.

Posted onJan 20, 2026

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

Posted onJan 20, 2026

I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.

Posted onJan 20, 2026

Today, I want to talk about how people’s houses smell funny, but mine doesn’t.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

I’m liking your IG photo from 8 days ago because IG just showed me today!

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Had an interview today, and my belly rumbled. The lady goes, “Missed lunch?” I told her, “Nah, I’m hungry for success!”

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Today I learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work, just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. I respect ants so much more.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

My lips could use some attention today.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

I would like to thank everyone who destroyed me into the person I am today.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Accidentally used men’s shower gel today, and I can already feel myself lying for no reason.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

All the clouds have come out to play today.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Someone called me strict today, and that means a lot to me because I’m a recovering people pleaser.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Signing all emails with BOOM SHAKALAKA today.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Today feels like a good day for a cheeseburger.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Thought I would mix things up today and sit in a new spot on my couch. Absolute chaos over here.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

If you haven’t felt old yet today, try explaining to a teenager how little kids used to sit on a phone book at dinner to be able to reach the table.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

My plans for today? Same as always, drink coffee and be sexy.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Sat at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green, if you’re wondering how I’m doing today.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Pluck a single eyebrow hair in 1994, and it never grows back. Pluck a single chin hair today, and it’s back with five friends by 6 p.m.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

“You have reached your monthly article limit,” – a website you’ve never accessed before today.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Girlfriend says because we got Chinese yesterday, we can’t get it again today. I don’t think that makes sense. They do it in China all the time.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

“Is there anything else I can assist you with today?” No, just that one thing you couldn’t assist me with, thanks.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

80s movies: Let’s go to the future! Today: Let’s go back to the 80s!

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Letting the sun have its way with my freckles today.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Starting a new life today, bye.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Today, I started a 28-day no-swearing challenge, which I will restart tomorrow.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Who wants to do all my adult stuff for me today?

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Having divorced parents as an adult is funny because you and your siblings are like, “Damn, who has custody of Mom today?”

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Don’t forget to be mean to strangers on the internet today, for no reason whatsoever.

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Sure, I could get off the couch today, but then what?

Posted onJan 19, 2026

Might mess around and reply, “That sounds like a you problem,” to every work email today.

Posted onJan 18, 2026

Sorry, I can’t today. I have to sit in my room and make matters worse.

Posted onJan 18, 2026

Walmart was wild as hell today, so I fit right in.

Posted onJan 18, 2026

Throwing “whereupon” into a few work emails today to keep it fun.

Posted onJan 18, 2026

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