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159 Funny today quotes

I am so incredibly tired today. I think my shelf life has expired.

3 months ago

Done with work today. The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it.

3 months ago

I’m basically a taxi today for the kids and dogs.

3 months ago

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

3 months ago

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today.

3 months ago

If you did the weekend right, your coffee needs coffee today.

3 months ago

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay, we’re out of time today”, just like a therapist.

3 months ago

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single.

3 months ago

I tried to scream into the abyss today but got a busy signal.

3 months ago

In case no one told you today. I’m beautiful.

3 months ago

And for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

3 months ago

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead.

3 months ago

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

3 months ago

My youngest started kindergarten today and I cried, but mostly for his teachers.

3 months ago

Don’t rush me, I’m still deciding whether I’ll be productive or not today!

3 months ago

My brain says “Let’s do something exciting today” but my body says “Don’t listen to that fool.”

3 months ago

I had big plans to sleep in today, but my bladder canceled.

3 months ago

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

3 months ago

Sorry I can’t come today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandpa’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and it was tragic.

3 months ago

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

3 months ago